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Archive for July, 2010

At Jenn & Jeff’s cottage, I got hold baby Heidi for about four hours.  I.was.in.love.  She’s only 6 weeks old and she’s perfect. 

I do have to admit, I started to cry.  I don’t think anyone saw me, but I was holding her – she was lying on my chest and I was rubbing her back and I just started to well up with tears.  Just the way she felt, her smell, her little noises – this whole pregnancy thing is really starting to take its toll on me mentally.  It is so hard to wake up every day and think about what I want being so difficult to achieve.  I only gave Heidi up twice to nurse with Jenn (she, uhhh, tried to nurse on me once – I was like “JENN JENN OMG JENN – I THINK SHE NEEDS YOU!!!” haha), but for four hours I just held her and made faces at her and just loved on her.  She was kind of gassy and so if she got cranky a little or made a face of discomfort, I just sat her up and patted her back and it seemed to help.  Jenn saw me and said “wow, Krista really seems to know what she’s doing”.  That sent me into another fit of silent tears – and then Chris telling me how wonderful I looked with her.  I KNOW I KNOW EVERYONE JUST STOP.  Typing this out now has tears flowing down my face.  Jenn and Jeff make beautiful babies – maybe I’ll just have them make me one? 🙂

On our drive home Chris couldn’t stop talking about it – and I was getting frustrated because I KNOW I WANT IT TOO but also because it’s so obvious he doesn’t listen when I explain PCOS and this whole process to him.  He keeps saying “why can’t we just go get IVF” and I’m like, it’s not like going to Sears and just ordering up some IVF!  I have to keep explaining that there are many steps before that and that is a last resort and, quite frankly, not something I want to go through if I don’t have to.  We’ve only been trying for 9 months and we could, honestly, do a better job at trying.  The conversation was a good, frank conversation but I still think he needs to do some more research and better understand everything because nothing is worse than me feeling like a failure and having him completely clueless.  I have to cope with peeing on ovulation sticks every day for 2 months and never receiving a positive – talk about waking up to failure every morning…

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