Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Archive for the ‘stress’ Category

Well, my 13th week was pretty uneventful.  The bleeding was light and that made it two weeks of being light, so I assumed that things were getting better and maybe even going away.  My husband came home from his training in Orlando for the weekend, which was awesome, and said I have a belly.  That’s the one and only time he can get away with that comment!!!  We decided to go public with our pregnancy and so we let the parents tell people and we both posted on Facebook.  It was so heart warming to hear from so many people we haven’t heard from in a while, wishing us good luck and positive thoughts for the babies.  Before he left I got the doppler out and he got to hear the heartbeats again – he loves it!

Unfortunately, Saturday late evening into Sunday the heavy dark red and dark brown bleeding started again.  I was so upset.  Here I was thinking that maybe, just MAYBE, the bleed was going away and wham – heavy bleeding.  Total suckage.  I must admit, having the doppler saved me a trip to the ER because I kept checking in on the babies and hearing their heartbeats and knowing all was okay.  My husband hated leaving me like that but it is what it is.  Of course after he left it has slowed down and it now very light – so he thinks it’s him and I told him it probably was.  I’m such a mean wife! 😉

I turned 14 weeks on Monday and it’s amazing to think that in 20 weeks I’ll be close to having two kids (if not already there).  The All Knowing Julie, Chrissy, Heather, and my SIL Lindsay are already in communication about planning my shower.  I sent The All Knowing Julie a tentative list last night so she could get an idea of how many so they find space to hold everyone.  That made things a little real!!  Clearly I can’t register or anything until we know what we’re having, but with wedding and baby showers all the time, they have to start looking for places now.  I also started looking for baby furniture – we’re getting one crib from my cousin so I’m looking for another to match.  It’s getting so so real now – I just hope that everything continues to progress well and that the babies look good at my 18 week scan the week after Thanksgiving.

I called yesterday to try and change the date of the anatomy scan so my husband could be here but of course the hospital and MFM didn’t have any availability.  I was super bummed out about it, but I’ll just have them write it down on a card and we’ll open it together.  I have already been talking to Baby B about him / her cooperating for the anatomy scan…both babies best not give me any trouble that day as I’m DYING to know what they are!!!

I did record one of the baby’s heartbeats on the doppler and then uploaded it to YouTube – I am pretty sure it’s Baby A based on position.  Enjoy listening to one of my little ones!!

Advertisements

Read Full Post »

I spent another 7 hours at the ER on Saturday due to bleeding.  The good news is that both babies measured on target, had solid heartbeats, and were moving all around in there.  You could even see the tiny bones in their spine – they looked like little halloween skeletons on the screen!  The bad news is – the bleed is still there and hasn’t been reabsorbed.  They called it a subplacental bleed this time and said it was focused on Baby A.

Yesterday, I had my monthly OB appointment and came prepared with my husband and a list of questions a mile long.  (You’ll love this one: when I got my OB card back that tracks everything my OB had left the sticky note in there that the nurse had written that said “Has lots of questions”…I might start getting a reputation at this practice!)  This was my meeting of the 3rd OB other than my main one and I absolutely LOVED her. She sat right down and allowed me to pepper her with my questions (and even my husband slid a few in there).  Basically, she didn’t have the actual prints of the u/s from Saturday but had the report and she thinks it’s the same bleed and not another one – but doesn’t know for sure. Apparently, perigestational bleeds / subplacental bleeds / and SCHs are essentially the same thing.  Who knew?  It is about 3cm at it’s longest length and it’s kind of an oblong shape (which makes me think it’s the same since that is how the original one was).  She repeated what I assumed and that there is absolutely nothing that can be done, nothing can be taken or stopped as far as medicines, vitamins, and supplements go, no amount of bed rest would help, and it’s a wait and see game.  I don’t like waiting and seeing – I just want it to stop already and for everything to be okay.  I’m not asking much, I don’t think.

Essentially, the placentas are generating new cells all the way through Week 14 (I’m currently 12w1d).  As the new cells generate, they dig into the uterine wall.  This is what can sometimes create these bleeds as they continue to dig and implant. She said that the bleeding should stop on or about Week 14 as that is when the cells stop generating and the placenta just increases in size at that point.  She said by Week 12, you’re miscarriage rate is less than 1% – without bleeding.  Since I was diagnosed with bleeding at Week 9, my miscarriage rate was at 50% (TOTALLY didn’t know that one…) but that with each week that goes by, it drops.  So I’m probably around the 40% mark now – but there’s no black and white formula for it.  That is a scary number that I don’t like – but what we’re holding onto is that both babies have been thriving so far and don’t appear to be affected by all the bleeding.  Our new target is 14 weeks – 2 weeks from yesterday. And with that, we likely will hold off announcing the pregnancy more broadly until then.  As I’ve said, it’s always an exciting thing to announce – but telling the story of a loss is much, much harder.  I’m being a little extra cautious about it – but I think I have to at this point.  Although, my intent to not buy maternity clothes yet may have to be waived as I’m running out of yoga pants…and none of my jeans fit.  I did the rubberband trick last night with a pair of jeans so I could go out to dinner.  Oy.  And to think I’ve actually LOST 2 lbs. since my first OB visit?!  Must be from stress as I’m eating and my pants DO NOT fit. 

In more positive news, we got to hear the heartbeats for the first time yesterday!!  That was totally awesome and I’m so glad my husband got to hear that before he leaves for his six weeks of training.  Baby B was the first one and you could hear him / her moving, too – not shocking as that baby never stops moving I’m convinced.  Baby A’s was a little slower – but we’ve already coined him / her with being lazy, so not surprising there. She also checked my cervix as the hospital indicated I did not have a mucus plug (something I thought was essential, but apparently it isn’t) and everything is sealed up nice and tight.

So – we are status quo right now.  No heavy lifting, complete “pelvic rest”, and just try and lie low.  If the red blood returns or the flow increases, I have to go back.  Last night, the flow was probably the heaviest it has been – but I just don’t think it makes sense to call today since I was just seen yesterday and I have my first trimester scan on Thursday, so I’ll get to see them again (with my lovely SIL who has agreed to come along!) and hopefully they’ll still be looking good.  If you read this and are the praying type, please keep the peanuts in your prayers.  We all need them right now!

Read Full Post »

I’m afraid to say there “isn’t much to report” because when I did that last week I started bleeding again.  But, here I am in my 11th week and we’re hanging in there!  I’ve been dealing with awful, terrible old Crinone discharge earlier in the week but now that seems to be gone but I’m still spotting a dark brown discharge (blood).  It’s seriously the grossest thing ever.  The Crinone stuff was almost black and gross and just YUCK.  I would typically be nervous since there was a lot of it and it was black and yucky but I assume it’s just old build-up since it’s been over a week since I stopped the Crinone.  I have been really uneasy the last few days, though, because I’m still sort of bleeding.  It’s only when I wipe and it’s not red and no cramping so I’m trying to keep it all in perspective.  Of course Googling “SCH” or “perigestational bleed” and reading some of the negative stories doesn’t help – but there are a lot of positive ones, too.  It was funny to find my own blog come up in one of the searches!

Less than a week and I get to see the babies again – my NT first trimester scan is scheduled for Thursday and I’m looking forward to it.  I think if everything looks good on Thursday we’ll may go “public” with our news.  I was planning on it but with the bleeding still going on, I’m now unsure.  My SIL is coming with me – I thought it would be nice to ask her to come along and I didn’t really want to go to yet another u/s alone.  I also have my monthly OB appointment on Monday – not sure what they do other than weigh me, take my vitals, and ask how things are going?  Maybe they have a doppler in that office and they’ll check for HBs?  No clue. 

Chris leaves for training for 6 weeks on Tuesday afternoon.  I am scared and nervous and even a bit looking forward to it if we’re being honest. 😉  I know after like 2 weeks I’ll be dying for him to come back, but I am mostly looking forward to my house remaining clean and not struggling to fall asleep next to a snoring mess.  His dad is going down for the first few days with him, which is nice since I couldn’t make it.  It’s going to be tough down there for him – class 6 days a week, learning a whole new company, new SOPs, new flying regulations (FAR Part 121 if you were curious), PLUS a new plane.  We still don’t know what he will be assigned to – either the Airbus 320 or the Embraer 190.  We have been receiving packages of information from JetBlue and it really seems like we made the right decision for our future.  The pay cut and reserve schedule will BLOW for a few years, but we’ll adjust and we’ll survive. 

One thing we’re trying to decide on is if we stop the COBRA coverage we’re currently paying $900.00 a month for to maintain the fertility coverage.  It’s like a safety blanket if, god forbid, something happens with this pregnancy – but it’s a LOT of money to be putting out, especially considering the pay cut.  The benefits with JetBlue are really good – they just don’t have fertility coverage.  So, if something did happen, we’d be paying all out of pocket for subsequent treatments.  Then again, once I’m into my 13th week or so and officially in my second trimester, that risk goes so far down.  I don’t know – I’m torn and really unsure of what the right decision is.  We have 30 days after his hire date to make a decision – that will bring us to November 19th and we’re paid up on COBRA through the end of November.  I’ll be 16 weeks as of the 14th.  I guess we’ll wait and see.

Still having a pretty low symptom pregnancy – pure exhaustion and peeing a lot.  The sore boobs that I thought were induced by the Crinone (and probably were to some extent) are still here so we’ll add that in the mix.  I started having some crazy, vivid dreams which I heard is also a symptom.  Still no sickness – not even once!  If it wasn’t for the perigestational bleed, I would say I am a pretty good pregnant gal – just took some modern technology to get me here.  I’ve been good about what I’m eating – I actually think other than some fertility treatment weight gain (which happened prior to my positive test where I couldn’t work out), I’m maintaining a 1 lb. gain.  I can totally see everything shifting, though – and Chris said my B belly is getting bigger on the top (I’ve always had a pooch in my lower abdominal region – even when I was skinny!) and I can see it, too.  I think it will be merging soon and will become a D belly.  Until then – no belly shots! 🙂

Read Full Post »

Clearly you guys know me by now and nothing can ever be fucking smooth sailing as far as this IF journey and pregnancy journey goes.  Remember the 8w2d u/s and how happy and giddy we all were?  Ya, well, fast forward to Sunday morning and we fell off of the Happy and Giddy Train and right into Holy Shit Am I About to Lose This Pregnancy-ville.

I woke up early in the morning on Sunday and I had mild to moderate bleeding.  I immediately called the OB’s office who paged the nurse on duty and she called me back quickly.  I explained the situation and she said that since there wasn’t cramping and it was mild to moderate, I should try and get some sleep and if it was still there or worse in the morning, to go to the ER.  Ya right – how could I sleep knowing there could be something wrong?  So, I got dressed (a.k.a put on a bra) and headed out to the ER and spent from 2:00am-11:00am there.

As luck would have it, the Doogie Houser, MD that was assigned to me was hot as hell.  Like, McSteamy hot.  And here he was looking at my vagina.  LOVELY.  The exam didn’t indicate “active” bleeding, but Doogie couldn’t say for sure it wasn’t something indicative of a problem or a miscarriage so I demanded an u/s.  And by “demanded” I mean I literally laid it all out on the line for him basically saying it has taken me two years to get here and I’m not leaving this goddamn hospital without an u/s.  So, he reconsidered (a.k.a. was scared of the crazy preggo) and said that if I waited until 8:00am when the u/s tech comes in, he would order it.  Since that was 3 hours away and I didn’t have anything better to do, I agreed.  See, Doogie – we can come to terms here.

So, I waited.  I dozed off a few times (oh because of course Chris was away at work and I went by myself) and was spooked awake each time a nurse came in to check my blood pressure.  No wonder it was high each time…  At around 8:15am, they came to wheel me down for the u/s.  The tech was super nice and even let me watch and see the babies.  Baby B even did a bit of a somersault while he / she was being measured.  I had to then wait over an hour for someone to read the results and give them to the new ER doc who was older and not nearly as handsome as Doogie. 

Come to find out, it’s a perigestational bleed – basically a bleed in the uterus between the gestational sacs. New ER doc said it should not negatively affect the babies and they looked good, measuring on target and their heartbeats were 175bpm.  It was very scary – I am happy that the bleeding has seemed to have stopped and the NP at my OB’s office met with me and Chris this afternoon and said it’s fairly common with pregnancies and all should be okay.  I’m just hoping we start to have some uneventful weeks ahead of us as I feel like I spend my life in doctor’s offices…  But, we’ve made it to 9 weeks.  They’re officially “fetuses” (or is it “feti?”) and they’re starting to look more and more like babies and less like gummy bears or shrimp.  As long as everything goes well (LORD WILLING!), I’ll see them again at my first trimester screening appointment on October 20th.  A little more than 3 weeks away…

Read Full Post »

Septemeber is PCOS awareness month and I feel it is my duty to dedicate a blog entry to the very reason this blog exists.  I will discuss a little more detail about PCOS and then tell my story.  As always, you can find out more about PCOS and Infertility on my website:  https://projectpcosbaby.wordpress.com/about-pcos-and-infertility/

About PCOS

Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) affects up to 1 in 10 women in this world.  It is an endocrine disorder, not an ovary function disorder, and is represented by an imbalance in a female’s sex hormones including estrogen, progesterone, and androgens.  There are many symptoms, however the difficulty with PCOS is that it doesn’t present itself the same in every woman and can present itself in different ways.  To be thorough, though, I want to include some of the symptoms PCOS’ers may find and I’ve highlighted and added notes to the ones I have:

Changes in the menstrual cycle including:

  • Absent periods, usually with a history of having one or more normal menstrual periods during puberty   (If I am not on BCPs, I go months without a period)
  • Irregular menstrual periods, which may be more or less frequent, and may range from very light to very heavy 

Development of male sex characteristics:

  • Decreased breast size  (HAHA – those that know me know this is absolutely not the case here)
  • Deepening of the voice
  • Enlargement of the clitoris
  • Increased body hair on the chest, abdomen, and face, as well as around the nipples
  • Thinning of the hair on the head, called male-pattern baldness

Other skin changes:

  • Acne that gets worse  (This was the second most notable sign after going off of BCPs)
  • Dark or thick skin markings and creases around the armpits, groin, neck, and breasts due to insulin sensitivity

Other common symptoms include:

  • Diabetes
  • High blood pressure
  • High cholesterol
  • Weight gain  (Another struggle that became worse after going of BCPs)
  • Obesity

There are no “tests” for PCOS that conclude you have it.  Instead, a battery of testing and procedures are done to put together a story that would indicate that PCOS is the diagnosis.  Often, your OB/GYN can assist with the diagnosis, however it is my personal opinion that you are better off being seen by a Reproductive Endrocrinologist even if you’re not actively TTC in order to have them conduct the testing and review the results.  REs are typically more educated in endocrine disorders than OB/GYNs and are able to offer treatment suggestions that fit in line with your lab results.

My Story

In 1999 I was a sophomore in college and had stopped using BCPs as I wasn’t sexually involved with anyone at the time.  About three months had passed and I finally realized I hadn’t had a period, which I thought was weird but wasn’t concerned about since I wasn’t having sex.  I made an appointment for the next time I was home to visit my OB/GYN and find out what was going on.

The appointment with the OB/GYN was quick – we discussed what had happened and she basically told me that my ovaries were “farting”.  When I laughed and asked her REALLY what was happening she said that if she told me the real thing it wouldn’t make sense so that was essentially what was going on.  Okay, I thought – and she prescribed BCPs and I was sent on my merry way…for over 10 years.

I always questioned whether I would have a difficult time getting pregnant, but not because of my ovaries and their apparent gas issue.  It was more because of my mother’s history with cervical cancer and endometriosis that had me concerned.  About a year or so after I got married, so in 2008ish, I went to my PCP to have a physical and to talk about this weight gain I seem to be struggling with.  I never really had weight issues growing up and even into my 20s, but it seemed to happen quickly.  She did a blood panel on me and told me my thyroid function was fine and that it was probably “marriage” weight I was gaining.  Yep – basically I needed to get my lazy married ass up and get back to working out!  Well, okay then…

I went off of BCPs in mid-July 2009 to give my body the 90 day cleanse it needed before we could start actively TTC.  I essentially ran out of excuses to give Chris for not TTC, so August was his last and final date and I agreed and there we go.  Except – no period.  For three months.  In the meantime, I started breaking out in terrible acne on my chest, back, and along my jawline.  I went to my dermotologist and she asked if I had been diagnosed with PCOS?  So yes, it was my dermotologist of all people that first suggested PCOS to me!  I told her no but that we were TTC and so she prescribed me topical solutions and sent me on my merry way. 

In October 2009, I finally went to my OB/GYN to discuss this lack of period thing and beginning to TTC and that is when she suggested that I likely have PCOS.  She wrote it down for me on a piece of paper and told me to look it up online, but that I need to TTC naturally for about a year before a referral would be made.  She prescribed Provera for me and told me to take a HPT every 35 days and if it’s negative, use the Provera for 5 days to bring down a period.  She suggested I pick up some OPKs and track my ovulation and time the intercourse appropriately.  So, me being by the book, this is exactly what I did for a year.  And during that year I peed on a stick every day of every month (and spent TONS of money) and never got a smiley face.  I took them with me on business trips, I didn’t miss a beat.  Never once got a positive.  In the meantime, Chris had an SA done and got a glowing report card so we knew that all of this was on yours truly…

In November 2010, Chris and I both went back to my OB/GYN for a meeting.  As I am telling her about my lack of smiley faced on the OPK, I burst into tears as I think it was right then that I realized this was serious.  She immediately gave me the referral to an RE and handed me information on three different fertility centers in our area.

I went home crushed.  And with a lot of work to do.  I immediately began researching the various centers and making calls to get personal references – eventually ending up at Boston IVF with Dr. Zimon.  And the blog takes over from there…

I wanted to tell my story not only to support the awareness of PCOS, but to summarize my journey and my learnings along the way.  Things I would do differently if I knew then what I know now:

  • When I was first told about the ovary “farts”, I should have inquired more about what it was and what it could lead to so I could educate myself further and get control of it as soon as possible
  • I shouldn’t have waited over 2 years after getting married to TTC
  • After 6 months of no ovulation, I should have went back to my OB/GYN and demanded a referral to the RE

Hindsight is always 20/20 and I feel that things do, in fact, happen for a reason.  But I will be honest and say, just because you get pregnant does not mean the stress and worry goes way.  If anything, it increases.  I am very lucky that after about 6 months of being treated by an RE I find myself 8w4d pregnant, but the pain and struggle of PCOS and IF won’t go away until I hold a beautiful baby (or two!) in my hands.  Then, I believe, I will come to peace with the process and know that it was all worth it.  For now, I walk around in constant fear that I will lose what I worked so hard to get. 

In the end, I will come out of this process with an in depth knowledge of my body, of PCOS, and what I need to do to fight it for the rest of my life.  Because, it doesn’t go away and will never go away.  But I can fight it through efforts to better my health – and we can all fight it through awareness.

Read Full Post »

I’ve been severely neglecting the updates here and I sincerely apologize.  Last Friday’s u/s was not all that glamorous and between being worried about that and dealing with a busy life in general, it’s been brutal.  But, let’s share, shall we?

7w4d U/S with Dr. Zimon and Boston IVF & Potential Yolk Sac Issue

Both babies were measuring a bit behind at 7w1d, but I was told their heartbeats were in the 150s (come to find out after a call with Nurse Karen, only one baby’s heartrate was measured and it was 153 but it was noted the heartbeat did exist on the other baby and we did see both on the screen).  The babies looked like gummy bears!  The u/s technician noted that it appears one of the yolk sacs is a bit misshapen – specifically “possible irregular yolk sac”.  Dr. Zimon basically brushed everything off (the measurement and potential misshapen sac) and said that she thinks this was an overall great report.  She even graduated me to my OB.

Of course, I went home and discussed it with Dr. Google and it appears that misshapen yolk sacs are an omnious sign for the pregnancy and lead to miscarriage.  That lead immediately to tears and complete devastation and confusion around why my RE would be so dismissive of it when it could be a huge issue?  I called Nurse Karen and left her a sobbing message asking her to call me as I had additional questions.  She called around 5:00pm and had spoken with Dr. Zimon and essentially, they’re unsure of the clinical significance of the issue with the sac and what could happen to the baby.  Essentially, if there is a 5% chance of miscarriage for me right now – this baby would fall into the higher end of the range.  Nurse Karen didn’t know if it would or could negatively impact the other baby, so that was a question on the list for my OB.  Both babies did measure at 7w1d (and I was 7w4d), which is a good sign and she said that the measurements can sway 2-3 days either way. 

I called my OB and they squeezed me in for Monday (yesterday) with another OB in the practice, Dr. McNulty.  It was the longest weekend of my life.   I had a really tough time sleeping on Saturday night.  I just couldn’t shut my brain off.  I know there’s nothing that can be done to prevent a miscarriage, but it’s so hard to already have an issue this early. 

8 Week First OB Appointment and Follow-up U/S Scheduled

Yesterday was more like a first OB appointment with family history, urine sample, bloodwork, pap smear, exam, etc…  I did get to discuss the potential yolk sac issue with the OB and she’s going with the fact that my RE wasn’t really all that worried and the report being so vague that if there was something truly significant, it would have been noted.  All the report said was “possible irregular yolk sac” and they didn’t measure the heartrate on that baby (which was something that could have been useful for my OB to see – stupid u/s tech!).  My OB’s office wants to see it for themselves, so I’m going tomorrow (Wednesday) for an u/s and then meeting with my actual OB after to discuss the results.  And, in the end, there is nothing that can be done so it’s very much a waiting game.  I was comforted a bit by knowing that it shouldn’t affect the other baby if something does happen.  I can’t imagine losing both.
 
Hopefully tomorrow shows them both measuring closer to 8w2d and normal yolk sacs (whatever that means or looks like).  I swear, this is more stressful than the damn fertility treatments!  So, not a lot of answers but a little bit of comfort – and I just have to find peace in the process and that I have little control.  It will be nice to see them again on the screen and I hope it looks good.  After this I won’t have another u/s (unless there is an issue) until 12-13 weeks.

Read Full Post »

Well, as I’m trying to take this whole pregnancy thing day by day (although I think I need a sticker or reminder so I don’t go through x-ray machines, order a deli sandwich, etc…one thing I did twice at the airport and one thing I caught myself and ordered chicken salad instead – seriously I shouldn’t be allowed to be pregnant, I keep forgetting and I’m going to microwave my kid!) – I’m still pregnant!

My second beta (96 hours after my first) was “beautiful” according to Not Nurse Karen (really?  WHERE IS SHE?!) at 1,038.  That is doubling on average every 55 hours, according to Julie who is much better at math than I am.  Since everything is going so well, they’re not going to repeat it and my next appointment is my first prenatal appointment on 9/7 where I’ll have an u/s and then talk with a physician assistant (Dr. Zimon is in surgery that week). They said they’ll measure the gestational sac and look for the yolk. They’ll also try and get a fetal heart rate but I guess at 6 weeks this can go either way (and not to be overly concerned if they can’t find it – ya right, that will flip me out I’m sure of it).

I asked about my measuring my P4 level and Not Nurse Karen said that Dr. Zimon doesn’t typically do that and instead will have me on the Crinone for another 3-4 weeks. Mmm, vaginal suppositories…  But, I shall do as I am told!

Today officially marks 5 weeks and I’m literally walking around in fear most days.  Fear of losing what I’ve worked so hard to get.  It’s not a good feeling and it all comes back to what I’ve said many times – that infertility strips you, absolutely RAPES you, of your innocence.  It’s like the knowing is torture – most women wouldn’t know they’re pregnant right now, nevermind that they’re pretty good and pregnant.  Even women who did know but haven’t experienced infertility would just be walking around in la la land, all positive and full of sunshine, hope, and excitement.  Then there are people like me – who analyze every feeling (or lack of feeling), who can’t go to the bathroom without inspecting the toilet paper closely, who spend hours thinking about what “could” happen and how I would deal with “it” if “it” did happen.  I am trying to take it day by day or, as Julie has told me, with the mantra of for today, I am pregnant but it’s hard.  Really fucking hard.

I didn’t write about this yet but you have to understand what I did to get here.  I mean, you all understand (well, as much as you can) the whole fertility process and 20 negative pregnancy tests, the doctor’s visits, the drugs, the more drugs, the emotional rollercoaster, the split decision to convert to IVF – all of it, all almost two full years of it.  You also know that we transferred two better than perfect embryos – giving us a 50%+ chance of success and you know the outcome on both an HPT and with my first and second betas.  A big positive, right?

But, do you know all the other efforts I’ve made?  Do you know my transfer was on the day of a full moon, which is supposed to increase implantation?  Do you know the day after my transfer I saw a shooting star and wished so hard for me to become pregnant with a sticky bean?  Do you know I ate pineapple daily (and still do) to help with implantation?  Do you know that I gave up all gym activities just to be on the safe side?  Do you know that I considered quitting my job when I found out my RE advises against early pregnancy travel?  Do you know that I wear a fertility bracelet that Erin got for me every day?  I am not kidding when I say I have done all that I can from SO many different angles, but I am SO so scared.  Every day I wake up and think please don’t take this away from me.  This is hard – I dare say harder than going through the treatments. 

Yesterday some of the Crinone progesterone suppository clumped out (sorry if TMI – but this stuff happens and is discussed in here) and I noticed some very dark brown / black spots on it.  I freaked but then settled myself down, knowing that the general rule of thumb is if there isn’t anything red or it’s not coupled with cramps, it’s likely normal (and even in those cases it can be okay).  Later in the day, it was essentially gone and this morning the same.  But, this afternoon some came back so I called Nurse Karen and spoke with her.  (YAY – she’s back!)

She congratulated me a few times and told me how beautiful my betas looked.  She actually said that more than once, so I took that as a good thing.  I told her about the Crinone and the spots and she said that it was likely old blood left over from the retrieval or transfer – that the Crinone is almost like a cement and it can pull stuff with it when it clumps out.  Yummy.  She advised that when I shower in the morning I can do a sweep with my finger and clear stuff out.  Yep, sounds like permission for masturbation to me!  Hahaha, kidding…but really, so many other things have been up there, why not my own digit? 

We talked more about my lack of symptoms – how last week I felt some slight twinges and cramps and then lately absolutely nothing.  How I don’t have morning sickness and wouldn’t consider myself any more tired than normal.  She reassured me that it’s all very normal and still very early for symptoms in some people.

I walked away from the call with Nurse Karen feeling a bit better.  She seemed so upbeat and positive about my beta results and dismissive of my concerns, so I have to go back to that mantra of for today, I’m pregnant.  I just want to get to that 12-15 week mark where I can feel a little “safe”.  But that seems so far away…

Read Full Post »

Older Posts »