Who’s your daddy?
As kids conceived with donated sperm grow up, life may get complicated for donors
Wow. I read through this and simply didn’t know what to think, but knew I had to post it in my blog so I could remember it and try and work through my thoughts overall. The whole concept of donor egg and donor sperm is so important to the world of IF, but the truth of it can truly become eye opening. Such as, ya know, having 70+ children running around the US before you’ve even been married to try and procreate your “own”. It can be very real for those of us who were lucky not to have to use donor eggs or donor sperm as if you are undergoing IVF, you have to sign paperwork and make a very similar decision – what do you do with the frozen embryos? Keep and use them all (which is an interesting concept if you’re those high producing women with 20 frozen embryos!), discard them, donate them to research, or…donate them to a couple in need? Same thing for some people not undergoing IVF but that have frozen sperm for IUI cycles – what do you do with the remaining vials?
Our personal decision was to donate the embryos to research (when we’re ready – those suckers aren’t going anywhere yet) and discard Chris’s spermcicles (again, when we’re ready). I personally couldn’t get over the thought of another couple becoming pregnant with my embryo(s) or Chris’s sperm and bringing what is essentially our child into this world. But, contrary to where the now lawyer was coming from, this is a very real process to me, to us. I became attached to the two little things growing inside me as soon as the embryologist gave me that picture. I am much too attached to the whole process and simply couldn’t live knowing that there was the potential for our kids to be in someone else’s family.
But, the path the now lawyer took is one I heard of when I was in college as well. Trust me, when you’re getting those tuition bills (or heck, if you want to take that Spring Break trip to Cancun), you’ll consider doing a lot to make a buck. I knew of girls who donated platelets, marrow, and yes, even eggs just to make some money for school. I’m sure there were a handful of guys who may have even done the same at a sperm bank – but you’re not thinking at the time what that means. And, I honestly think that most outside of the IF world wouldn’t necessarily put so much thought into what it means either – we see things differently because we’re so intimately involved in our reproductive lives, the technology that surrounds it, and it changes our perspective on what an egg is or what sperm are. I do, however, think it’s a shame that the lawyer’s fiance is in a bit of a tizzy about it – especially since he told her about it from the beginning. If she knew how much time, energy, and money it took these women and these families to invest in their children – she would know that there isn’t going to be hundreds of kids knocking down their door for a handout. Yes, because of modern technology and the good old internets, being an anonymous donor isn’t so anonymous anymore. But HE chose to list himself on the website and it truly seems as though he’s interested in meeting these kids and at least having casual contact with them. For those who may come into health issues in the future, having this contact may even save one of their lives.
It is a sticky situation (no pun intended – okay, maybe a little) but one that I hope doesn’t reduce the number of sperm or egg donors available to those who need it. These individuals deserve a chance at having a family and if you’re removed enough from the situation, it can be a rewarding thing for you to do. But, it is all very personal and a lot of thought should go into the process on either side. In the end, he helped bless the lives of 70+ children that may not have been able to be a part of this world. And he’s brought happiness and joy to many families that are the true “mom” and “dad”.
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